Below are the 14 most recent journal entries recorded in oboelover's LiveJournal:

Monday, January 9th, 2006
10:01 pm	i guess the secrets out its offical i hate gory scary movies because they are disgusting! almost as disgusting as writing a paper ( which to me sucks monkey balls) other that the fact that in ten days or so i have to take a test that will make or break my grade in theory today has been a very stress relieving day along with that a happy onE! although i cant say why i am sooo happy. i just thought i would let everyone know that i am happy. in addition to that thought i cant tell the person that made me a little worried cant let this person know that i was worried at all, yes i agree with amanda that we all keep our secrets to ourselves....this one i will keep. i still think that it was funny that mandy and i went to two wrong houses before we gave up trying to find amanda's on saturday to go and see hostel (which really sucked as balls) i dunno what the hell that is but its something. anyways goodnight world! (Comment on this)
Tuesday, January 3rd, 2006
3:54 pm	Had a wonderful break now that i am back in school...... school! is back i missed everyone that i didnt get to see during break now i found out that me and amanda are throwing a party on MLK day, worries about my theory class, and dumke killing me self esteem for speaking poor englis. any way what i did over break was soo not like me... not only did i drink but i watched some porn went to the casino.....(lots of fun and im not just talking about the gambling part either!) while i had the buzz from drinking suggusted the idea of going to hawii, so im attempting to find some good ideas. let me know if any of you guys want to come with me..... (Comment on this)
Tuesday, December 27th, 2005
4:16 pm	i wonder okay, i feel like not myself lately, like no matter how much i attempt to not like this guy that im seeing it just happens. But he drives me crazy like he doesnt talk to me much, he leaves me in the dark about things i dunno i hope it works ou tbut i wont get my hopes up too high only to be disappoointed and feeling hurt by him.....we'll see.... Current Mood: anxious (Comment on this)
Monday, December 12th, 2005
10:31 pm	Its all gravy! ummm i was kinda surprised that he called me. and keeps trying to engage in a realtionship with me.....but then i wonder am i his girlfriend? Do i dare ask him if i am his girlfriend and if we are exclusive? I know, sigh, he says that we are in a relationship and that he likes me. but i wonder if he is just saying this as an attempt to get in my pants or does he geniunely care about me....see how paranoid i am, kinda funny to me. like sugar.i feel that i try sooo hard not to get attatched to him that even he knows it, like he makes comments to this as well, do i let the fear of getting hurt stand in my way of being temperarly happy with him? or do i do it as a since of self-preservation in the since of before i met him i lived with my philosophy of "All relationships eventually end, through death, break-up, distancing, whatever. So why be in one if you know that it is going to eventually end?" okay i was great working with this philosophy, but then i met him, this guy who sits on the phone with me and gets me to tell him how i feel, then gets me to tell him through a series of questions why i feel this way. He has me sooooo freaken emotional whipped that it isnt funny. But what im happy about most of all that we have actual conversations about stuff that dont end with us talking abouot sexual stuff or shit about peeps. i love it! My friend at work, says that she has never seen me sooo happy. So with this should i open myself even more? i always feel sooo uncomfortable when he talks to me about his family (he grew up rich) or when he talks about money with me....today he found out why.....because im poor. i dont want to seem clingy to him soo i only make one form of communication to him every two days. in other words i make him call me, i would like to tell him how happy he makes me when he listens to me or when he is telling me about his day or when we are just drinking tea and talking to eachother, but i feel that if i do tell him how happy he makes me i feel that he would only grow to resent me in the end....he is attempting to help me plan a b-day party for me, but i have very few friends who are old enough to spend the night at a casino in a suite.anyways i'll up date and let you know how it goes with us. (Comment on this)
Sunday, December 4th, 2005
10:58 pm	im sooooo whipped.....is that a good thing or a bad thing that i let someone finally get into my head? this is sooo fucking confusing, wish i could talk about it but all i can basicly say is that im fucking whipped, and i tried not too. (Comment on this)
Tuesday, November 29th, 2005
10:43 pm	umm for once has anyone ever felt that a weight has been lefted off their shoulders? today i just experinced that feeling of being safe again, when i say the word "safe" i mean like i no longer feel that my world is going to come crashing down around me and that im now comfortable about the way that life is right now. I know that i have a lot going on right now that causes stress, but for the first time in a long time i feel as though im okay with the fact that i feel that im doing the right thing at this moment in time as far as colleges, praticing, working 34 hours a week,relaionship wise, yes! so, i hope that i now arent appering as bitchy as before, and that im a little more understanding to others than i have been. BUt it feels good though to feel like being kind to the world. (Comment on this)
Sunday, November 27th, 2005
11:56 am	UMMMMMM........ Wow i got in trouble for what I did on sat urday morning. Maybe it wasnt what i did, but what time i got donne doing it. And what time i got home like around 4:30 am! lol im an idiot, my friends fept calling my cell phone which i did apperciate from all of those who stayed up to make sure i was alright! I dont apperciate the fact that cagney convienced me to dress like a complete slut with a very low cut shirt and she got to wear it to work. Funny things were happening at work on friday night though that have never happened to me before. Like the maneger who was closing that night told me that i could just stay behind the regester all night if i wanted to. So, i did, and there was a lot of my co-workers were willing to help with my department and several custumers (male) were giving me their phone numbers. I couldnt understand why until i talked to the person/persons i was with that night. They laughed at me, an dtold me i just wasnt used to that kind of attention. As far as what i was doing or who i was doing whatever activity with. I'll just say in my sly voice that "I watched a movie, and went to perkins" and this activity took me 6 hours to do. lol Current Mood: crazy Current Music: I'll keep you my dirty little secret (Comment on this)
Thursday, November 24th, 2005
5:30 pm	wow talking for hours so last night i talked to the waiter for about 4 hours had a lot of interesting discussions,hanging out, going to watch a movie. I'll be interested in seeing how it goes. hopefully it will be interestingly fun. (Comment on this)
Sunday, November 20th, 2005
12:13 pm	i wonder umm so yesterday at the olive garden i went there with sam after being ditched by 3 different sets of people to go see the new harry potter movie. The first person was cagney she and i had made plans earlier on saturday while we were at work, she said she would pick me up at 5:30 to go shopping annd to see a movie. She never showed and so she told me to met me at her house. So on the way over there i saw alison driving in the lane next to me at a stop light, so we hhad a brief conversation, so i get to cagney's house and she tells me she has a date, why the hell didnt she tell me this. grrr so i get hover pissed and go home and start calling people to invite to go see a movie with me, i called this awesome guy from work first (cuz i was thinking what the hell....) so ask im to go and see a movie with me, he says he cant because he is hanging out with his buddies last nite so i was like fine, next i call will, if i would have known nick was going to "act" like a queer, and i was going to get that reaction i wouldnt have called and asked him to go and see a movie with me as friends. SO he tells me no and that he was hanging out with his family tonight, about 2 minutes later as i was going through my buddy list on my phone, sam calls me and asks me about who the hell i was calling and i told her, she tells me that nick is mad at her about me calling his friends, FIRST OFF: he needs to relize that we share mutural friends so he needs to pull the stick out of his ass and poke himself inthe eye with it. such an ass. and that if he had a problem with me talking to our friends that he should be taking it up with me not my friends who dont know what the hell he is talking about because it just makes him and will look like jackasses, so thats all folks. So, while guy bashing at olive garden we had a waiter named ben. WHo was really funny and i couldnt stop smiling i was wearing a really slutty shirt so...he gave both me and sam his phone card, and towards the end of our meal he invited sam and i to go join him for coffee, sam said she couldnt go , was heavily considering going, but in the end it was getting late and my mom wanted me to come home, so i never called to met him for coffee, was this a wise decision? maybe, but im a really shy person, so i sent him an e-mail, saying that i fell asleep at sams house, he knows where we work, so i wonder if he will visit us at work, see arent i perinoid? im a freak, but i havent smiled like the way that i was smiling last night, last time i was smiling like that was when......i chose not to think of the day i asked someone who wanted to be aa girl out. is it possible to met a random stranger who doesnt have an ill intintion in his mind by asking an underage girl out? If i had to guess his age i would say he was 23 years old almost as old as my sister, knida gross thought. if he e-mails me back i'll get to know him better and i'll get to know him better than go with him to go get coffee or to go skating. sam says i shhouldnt though should i listen to her? mama sam seems to be almost correct about ny relationships unlike that jerk will, but i dunno. Current Mood: confused Current Music: confused (Comment on this)
Friday, November 18th, 2005
11:34 pm	interesting thought So, i was attempeting to help my sophmore friends study for their vocab test in their english, and they were having difficulty remembering what lets see if i can remember how to spell it, bouriese i think but its definition is "rough and violent" they couldnt remember that, so i said "think of it like sex" they odidnt understand what i met, so i was like " kinda of like rough sex biatches, bitch you better reconize slap kinda sex", after they thought about it for like a minute they started to laugh about how that would be the only word they would be able to remember because of my sex reference and said i was just as bad as this guy named sam in band who the definition of not knowing how to talk to girls to the point when, i forgot who said this to but i think it was fiona. anyways he looked right at her chest and said " you know im not looking at your chest" omg what a dumbass!!lol! blah ......i have so much trouble with people lately, i wish i could just ask this guy im sorta crushing on to go and see a movie with me (because we all know about what happens when i ask people to go on a date with me to go and see a movie or a harding theater production of Annie ( i still dont know what happened during that musical)) so i dont know why but i cant even talk to this person about it like it isnt as strong as it was last time i asked someone out on a date. So, does that mean that i like this person less than i liked (notice the past tense reference on "liked") the first boyfriend? I dont know or maybe im so unsure and scared that it may destroy the friendship relationship thing that we have? Because i wasnt friends with nick before i was his girlfriend that would explain why we pretend the other doesnt exsist. But i really dont feel that asking this person out would be a good thing for me in general, Oh well, maybe i'll somehow ask this person out when i lose some of the doubts i have about caring about other people in a relationship or just my doubt in relationships in general. for exampl: is it really worth being in a relationship that only gives you bliss for a short period of time then causes you so much mother fucking drama in the end of remors of what people tell you what happened, only to find out that your closest friends knew about the fact he wanted to end it too? i remind you that the break up was the idea of both of us in the since we both didnt want it anymore. So, again i ask the question to why do humans get involved on this emotional level with someone knowing that getting involved would mean that someday it would end your bliss and leave you with just pretending it never happened? what the hell is the point? Can someone tell me? Or is it the same reason why we eat, why eat if you know your just going to flush it down the toliet in the end? BUT UNFORTUNETLY we need to eat to live, is that the same way with relationships as well? See this is why i cant ask tis person to go out with me, because do i really want to jeopordise what i already have? would it be worth it in the end? to HAVE ANOTHER person who i play this gay-ass "lets ingnore the hell out of each-other" game "dur dur". I know that if anyone reads this i'll more than likely be accused of wanting to get back together with him, but thats not what i want, i want to try a relationship with this guy im crushing on. this guy who i walk around the school in the morning just trying to see him, this person who i look forward to seeing in one of my classes (cant say which one!), but yet every time i think im ready to suggest "hanging out" outside school this person or i says complately the wrong thing, and i lose all my confidence in myself to go through with it, then i dont know blah, i dont want to tell anyone because i would prefer not to have another case where this person knows im going to ask this person out before i do, because that was very freaken embaressing. i dunno if i should i make my dumb fuck friend who should just fucken come out of the freaken closet about his sexuality cry again,( i hope he reads this) he makes me so angry yeah im going to call you my ass, well go fuck yourself andrew!!!lol!jackass! blah i am really not liking him lately i've just wanted to beat the shit out of him, i cant come up there for christmas because i have to work and spend time with my friends. what a bs answer but my fav is the "i still like you katie" crap or the " i cant be with you because im just going to go back to AZ, and that wouldnt be fair to you" but yet it was according to him i was being selfish by going out with nick, see this is why him and thumper should go out they would be the perfect queer-pansy-ass couple in the world! See if you guys could just see my face right now you would see that im cracking up laughing about this, wow this is releaving to talk sbout all this shit, come monday the only thing i'll be able to remember from all this is the fact that im such a chicken wuss because i cant even say to this person " hey, you should take me to go see a movie sometime, or even to caribu coffee to get cocca" thats all i would have to say why cant i,lol,i know im a wimp who's is completely whipped by my oboe, see the more i cant talk to this person the more i just pratice in the hope that i can "pratice" these feelings away, every weekend i do this, and on sunday i go skating so sunday night i think "yes, katie, i finally dont have feelings for ****/*************" th3en i see this person on monday i think "fuck, i thought i had successfully got rid of these thoughts of going out with *****************" then i call my myself a wimp, if i could just ask them out then if i hear the rejection then maybe i wouldnt have feeling for them anymore, why is it so hard???? (Comment on this)
Thursday, November 17th, 2005
9:34 pm	A hopeful future wow last night was by far depressing, but now i feel slightly happier all it took was a few comments made by various people throughout the day and talking to some teachers. Lets begin, this morning i had early rehearsal, and i bluntly said to the group that i didnt really want to come this morning and i almost didnt get in my car this mornig. One of them said "bullshit katie, you wouldve still ocame" in other words thats what is expected of me to do come to rehearsals and force people to play music that they more than likely dont want to play, but im the song nazi, therefore i run this joint.So, even though rehearsal today wasnt as good as i couldve hoped for. im happy about it, just because.Today ashley and i were looking at some duets that we could play together just for fun and possibly even for our concert. I think i might just try and convince connie to play a duet with me on flute, i want to make a pratice schedule for myself to fallow, because i need to get better, make it push my limits to what i can achieve. I have so much to do, i dont think im going to get my historical investigation done before the night is over, therefore unlike the rest of the seniors who are in our class who are planning to ditch i am going to go to school and accept the fact that i didnt do it, because if i stay home because i didnt get the homework done that would be very lame. I am not going to sacrifice a day of discussion for this.no point missing 3 classes worth of review in addition to missing rehearsal, right? i'll just get it done this weekend and turn it in on moday and just lower my grade by a whole letter. Because there is no point to doing a half ass job on it and getting a piss poor grade on it, then having to revise it for IB purposes, that would be the defination of ghetto. \ In a funnier light tonight i had oboe lessons with my temper mental-ass oboe, and believe me my oboe so totally spazed on my teacher. because i was playing only in my upper register and my oboe wouldnt let me play in lower range. So my oboe teacher asked if she could play on my oboe, so i let her and she was having the same dificulty as me. after abut 5 minutes of her attempting to make it work she asked if it was always this hard to play on it, i said i didnt know and she handed it back to me and asked me to play as many notes on it as possible, so i managed to force my oboe to play every note, had trouble with low A but i eventually forced it out of my bell, then she said to me "imagine what you would sound like if your instrument wasnt a peice of crap, once you get a new oboe your going to sound dead on with a beautiful sound. But until that day you will have to work twice as hard in order to compete with my other students" i know this seems discouraging in a way, but i'm taking it as a compliment. She indirctly said i was a good oboeist,someday i'll be a great one! Current Mood: happy Current Music: Passage to midnight (awesome song) (Comment on this)
Wednesday, November 16th, 2005
9:34 pm	Wow what a crapply wonderful day!? hmmmmm.... how to describe today in a nut shell,well it started out pretty crappy and here's why. Yesterday i was supposed to go down and talk to greapner and strobel, but i didnt because i didnt care to hear about anymore ib crap since im just havent been in a very good mood lately.Maybe it could be because my friends like to poke fun at me during third hour *cough* (sam)*cough* but thats not all trust me. so strobel was talking to me about how her and greupner were talking and thought that they didnt think i would succeed at higher level.(personal opinion; arent teachers supposed to be encouraging?) so i had to deal with that then after she told me this she kindly told me that i should talk to greapner then give her my final decision. well, after fourth hour i forgot to turn in my intonation chart so i went into their office. to turn it in and strobel said that i made the right choice in doing standard. i never gave her this decion. band was fucking craptaculer. in the since that i hate being around all these people who see this class as an easy A i believe people should be forced to pratice, because im sick of playing all this easy-ass music, its a fucking joke, because i was sight reading the first flute part today( because my oboe is unplayable right now) and i made no mistakes on what should have been "hard" music to play, it sucked. and we had to keep repeating pats because half the band fake plays and thhose who do play dont play correct rythms, or maybe it's also the fact that she her 2/2 conducting meter looks extactly the same as her freaken 3/4 meter. But who cares no one ever asks her to conduct differently besides me, so fuck it i dont care. i'll just focus on my competition peices that mean more to me than freaken band. if i would have known this was going to happen my senior year i would have never joined band or any music for that matter inthe first place! i wish i would've stayed in higher level spanish. Then, i wouldnt have the hopes and dreams that i have now. I wouldnt have met the awesomely cool people in band that made me feel welcome whenever i came down there, who gave me myself-estem, nicole who taught me "you can call me al" the song that made me start playing out moore and not to be afraid of mistakes, the people who joked around with me back when sam told them who i liked. then, again maybe if i hadnt join band good things would've happened as well, like maybe i would have never known the people who cause me so much pain everyday, or the people who insult my playing techniques and tell me that i am incapable of doing something grand. people that back stab me and say i cant do anything right. i wonder which wouldve been better? maybe if i had never been in any sort of music, maybe i would have never had a relationship, maybe i would have never met the people who make fun of me all the time by calling me a dumbass. Yes, i have finally reached my nader. so this is what its like to feel like you have lost everything in one blow, wow and it really hurts. I tried to pratice my feelings out, but that didnt work. geez do i need a beer (lol). On the bright side, got my act score back im just going to tell everyone i got 19, because i dont think anyone would believe me if i told them what my real score is. But i'll let whoever reads this entree know that i got a 27 on it. wonder if thats good? Current Mood: sad Current Music: listening to depressing piano music (Comment on this)
Sunday, November 13th, 2005
10:10 pm	While messing around with scales anyway(you dirty dirty people) I finally came up with a theme for my IB project, I have to compose a three movement work and I came up with a theme!! Which is awesome just thought I would let you people know < > .... Current Mood: goofy (Comment on this)
5:42 pm	So different ....It's sooo different having internet, I've never had it before. I went ice skating today. I hate open skating just because of the fact that there are stupid hockey skaters there and all they are trying to do is "okay guys let's skate really fast then stop right before you hit the person(so queer)" so with this philosophy while I was praticing cross-over( that's when you are skating and you take one of your feet and place it over your other foot, it's harder than it sounds) they tested whether or not they could. and while i was in the middle of turning back around to face the correct direction the dumbass guy skated right in to me. grrrr the only reason why he crashed into me was because he was trying to impress some crappy skating girl she wasnt too impressed by this (can anyone say blue balls?) My ankle is still sore from last Sunday's accident with my blade hope it heals! Yesterday was totally awesomely wicked! Here's why. Because I was in St.olaf youth band. Of 168 people, 30 flutes I sat first part, 6th chair. Thats pretty freaken good considering I play oboe. It was an amazing experince, I met people who I more than likely will never see again, but that's okay I'm just happy I got to met some people who were in the all- state band. There was this really cute bassoon player!!*sigh* he kept looking at me whenever he had rests, I wish I could have spoken to him.....Oh well I'm a shy person. I'm in this small ensamble which we finally came up with the name of SWE(small woodwind ensemble). I think we're going to have a Christmas concert, by ourselves which I hope will turn out good, because this is the first time that I will be leading a concert like the whole thing, running it!I'm nervious about it though what it I transpose the music incorrectly than I will have a mess on my hands that I am responeble for. Be optimistic. I want to be a great preformer but I get to nervious to the point where I'm shaking beyond controll I wish i could met someone who could make me unnervious (if that's a word) or a little less afraid to play infront of people. I'm too shy when it comes to my playing, much like my public speaking that's why I always say something completely stupid. Ironicly I's in IB classes(international Baccularite) Current Mood: accomplished Current Music: listen to Korean variations (Comment on this)